The young and the religulous
"Lord, save us from ourselves!"
When you have little else going for you, the best way to become famous and stay famous is to make glorious, ridiculous noise. Without all that sound and fury signifying nothing, people like Speidi (Spencer and Heidi Pratt) are left with nothing to do but search each other’s backsides for their next line. Because remember, their life is a reality show! Not coincidentally, Marlon Brando did the exact same thing with Maria Schneider’s seat cushions in “Last Tango in Paris.” However, he’d earned the privilege. What have these young fools done, and why are we such fools for caring?
The latest chapter is the Al Roker Speidi interview. Their response to the once cherubic, always overbearing weatherman was an affront to mammals in and out of the womb: “Lord Jesus, take this demon out!”
Doubling up on the references
Christian pleas and mob business in the same breathless, empty-headed exclamation? Wow. Sit down, Speidi, I wouldn’t want you to overexert your CPU. But if that 480 processor should break, a nice payday loan or cash advance in Indiana can help. I don’t want anyone to believe that “Lord Jesus” is going to “take care of” Al Roker. Thor is supposed to drown in the venom of a giant snake that encircles the globe, but I don’t see that happening either.
Cristina Everett reports for the New York Daily News that “Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag continue their quest for eternal fame. Whether they are in the jungle or off, (they) can’t keep quiet.”
Much like Sarah Palin, Speidi must find things to make noise about, or their relevance will cease to be. Yes, when the former “Hills” stars sat down with Al Roker for a “Today” show interview, they had thought they’d only be discussing things like their exit from the piece of audio-visual tripe known as “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” However, the weatherman went all ball lightning on their pert backsides with his aggressive questions.
“Some people think you’re a jerk”
Al Roker set up Speidi with some softballs, then bleached his own skin before our eyes and pretended to be Matt Lauer. Not really; he didn’t have that kind of time on air. But he did tighten the screws on the self-satisfied Cracker Jack prizes with some “tough” questions. Roker asked Montag if she was “proud” of Speidi’s behavior on their latest reality show mess. He also made sure Pratt knew that some people consider him “a jerk.” But to Alex Trebek’s delight, he phrased it in the form of a question.
Whatever is a Speidi to do after they’ve been Rokered? Go Twitter about it in the most vacuous way possible, of course. I know I can’t eat my toast until celebrity Twitter has filled my head with gobbledygook. Considering the “savage abuse” Speidi suffered, I can also see how therapeutic 140 characters can be. There is indeed a balm in Gilead, Speidi disciples.
Roker was all atwitter, too
“Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple,” his frantic fingers tweeted, as if anticipating the demise of his own fame. “Famous for…being infamous. I think we’re at minute 11 of their 15.”
What did Speidi have to say in their defense? Honestly, how can you defend something like that?
“I think when he got to work in the morning and he was doing his normal weather job, he was looking and it was partly cloudy, he must have taken that personally,” Pratt told MTV.com. “Because I don’t know why he felt the need to persecute Speidi for nothing.” For TMZ.com, he added that “I never in my wildest dreams thought a weatherman would treat us like we just rigged the Iranian election.”
Take it easy, Spencer. I’ll get you another sugar lick.
Pratt’s better half was able to find the words to respond while Spencer worked his sugar cube. This despite the fact that she recently lost a battle to… wait for it… the devil! She told media sources that “the devil made her leave the jungle after the couple’s first departure from ‘I’m a Celebrity.’” But now that Heidi is back on the holy path, she can say with a demure smile things like “Honestly, I was like, ‘Lord Jesus, take this demon out. This is crazy! I felt like he was attacking me personally, demanding an answer from me and being so strong with his voice. I’m a woman and I don’t appreciate that. I had just woke up. Good morning to you too, sir!”
Final tweets
The Roker poker closed off the stirring debate with a piece of advice that would be useful to any young person who feels invincible. But will the message reach Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt? Can their brains process good advice anymore? Or will they be permanently self-exiled to their own echo chambers? Sleep with the press clippings, sleep with each other, charge for the pay-per-view, but please… please… don’t expect me to care about how Jesus should serve you.
Enough! Here’s what Old Roke Twittered: “Heidi and Spencer are young and eventually will realize there is more to life than fame.” The wheel will stop turning and they’ll find themselves in need of the same payday loans in Indiana and cash advance in Indianas you and I look to in times of financial trouble.
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